


there is nothing that i'm holding back from you

by gravitropism



Series: Grad Students!AU [11]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff, Grad Students!AU, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, but they talk about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 10:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11251341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravitropism/pseuds/gravitropism
Summary: Junmyeon learns that actually, you can choose your family.





	there is nothing that i'm holding back from you

**Author's Note:**

> Part of a series if you don't read the rest tbh what are you doing.
> 
> The day I write something legitimately angsty is the day Santino wins a sewing competition and Visage wears a fucking turtleneck. Title from Oxygen by Fred V & Grafix.

Junmyeon is sitting at the table in Jongdae and Kyungsoo’s apartment. He’s really glad he decided to cut down on activities, actually, because he likes being able to hang out here and do work. Kyungsoo and Minseok are out, he doesn’t know where, so it’s just him and Jongdae.

And speaking of Jongdae. The light coming from the window hits him perfectly from side, and he looks absolutely beautiful. Junmyeon might be in love. He won’t say anything yet, but if he’s not already, he’s well on his way there.

Junmyeon shakes himself. He’s spending too much time staring at Jongdae; it’s time to get some work done. Looking down at the papers he’s supposed to be grading, he sighs. He’d much rather just watch Jongdae doing his own work.

“Something wrong?” Jongdae asks, looking up from his notebook. He smiles, and Junmyeon thinks his heart may have just stopped. The dimples on Jongdae’s cheekbones are probably the best thing he’s seen in his entire life, but he’s forgetting about the way Jongdae’s mouth turns up at the corners...

“Junma?”

“Yes! Sorry,” Junmyeon says sheepishly. “No, nothing is wrong.”

“Okay. You were looking at me, do I have something on my face?”

Junmyeon panics. Not a lot, just a little bit. “You have pretty on your face,” he blurts out.

Jongdae blinks, his ears slowly turning red. “Um. Thank you? I think that was a compliment?”

“Sure,” Junmyeon says. “You’re pretty.”

“I would prefer the term gorgeous, but we can go with pretty,” Jongdae giggles, and Junmyeon’s heart melts all over again.

“I’m being serious, though,” Junmyeon insists.

“I know,” Jongdae says, and stands up to reheat some water for tea. Junmyeon knows that Jongdae would rather be drinking coffee, but it’s too late in the day for that.

They go back to working, and Junmyeon tells himself if he can focus for another hour and finish these papers, he can take Jongdae for ice cream after dinner.

About thirty minutes in, Jongdae’s phone rings. Jongdae’s face falls a little when he glances at the screen, and he stands up. “I have to take this,” he says, and takes his phone with him down the hallway. Junmyeon can hear him greet whoever it is on the other end before he shuts the door.

He shrugs. It’s not his place to go and listen to Jongdae’s conversation, so he might as well take advantage of the absence of a distraction and finish the rest of his work.

Five minutes later, Junmyeon can hear Jongdae shouting from inside his room. He sits back in his chair and sets his pencil down.

“Um,” he said aloud to himself. What is he supposed to do in this kind of situation?

The yelling stops abruptly, and Jongdae comes storming back into the room. He slams his phone down on the table (thank god for protective cases, Junmyeon thinks), and stands there, arms crossed, glaring at it.

“Um?” Junmyeon says again.

“My parents are dicks,” Jongdae says tersely. “Complete cocks.”

“I assume there’s a reason why?” Junmyeon asks. He’s never talked to Jongdae about his parents, maybe because it’s never come up, but also maybe on purpose.

Jongdae flops into his chair. “They’re convinced that I’m going to end up marrying a girl, even though I’ve told them a thousand times that I like dick.”

Junmyeon resists the temptation to laugh, as that would be highly inappropriate for the situation. “You didn’t use that exact wording, did you?”

Jongdae lets out a little chuckle, which was the point of Junmyeon making the joke. “No, I told them I was attracted to men, but apparently they took that to mean it would still be possible for me to have sex with a woman and actually have children. No fucking thanks.”

“That’s... that’s not a good situation. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize for them. They’re the ones who are dicks,” Jongdae snorts.

Junmyeon shrugs. “Still. If there’s anything I can do to make you feel better, let me know. I’m still your boyfriend,” he says, with a smile he knows takes Jongdae to his knees.

“Well now that you mention it, ice cream would be great.”

“I was already planning on it,” Junmyeon grins.  
\--

Junmyeon watches over Jongdae during the rest of the week. He’s not as cheerful as he usually is, and he wants to do something, but he’s not sure what. So naturally he goes to someone who would know Jongdae a little better.

He manages to get Kyungsoo alone in Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s apartment on movie night. Kyungsoo directs him to pour the kernels into the pot to make popcorn.

“Kyungsoo?” Junmyeon starts hesitantly.

“Did you add the oil?” Kyungsoo asks absentmindedly, tossing salt over the batch he just finished.

“No, but that’s not what I wanted to ask you.”

Kyungsoo passes him a measuring cup with a small amount of oil in the bottom. “Add that, and then ask away.”

Junmyeon does as he asks. “Has Jongdae told you about his parents?”

Kyungsoo sets the bowl of popcorn down and frowns. “He’s mentioned that he has issues with them a few times, why?”

Junmyeon caps the pot. “They called him Sunday, and the call put him in a bad mood. I’m wondering if there isn’t anything I can do to make him feel better.”

“Hmm.” Kyungsoo spins the bowl around a few times. “Honestly, I think the best thing you can do in that sort of situation is talk about it, you know?”

“But what do I say? How do you go about consoling someone about their homophobic parents?” Junmyeon wonders. “Like, yeah, sucks. I’m there for him, and so on. I don’t think it’s really going to help, though.”

Kyungsoo shrugs. “I don’t know, but I’ll think about it. I do get your point, though,” he says, and then the popcorn is done.

\--

The two of them are cuddling in Junmyeon’s apartment Wednesday night. Jongdae’s mood has gotten better, and he’s pretty much back to normal now, but Junmyeon thinks it’s not a good idea to keep important things locked up inside, so he’s still going to try and talk.

Junmyeon shifts, and runs a hand through Jongdae’s hair. “Hey, Jongdae,” he starts out hesitantly, not sure how to proceed.

“Yes?” Jongdae asks, blinking sleepily. He’s tired, but Junmyeon kind of still wants to ask.

“Do you want to talk about your parents at all?”

“Why?”

“Because it made you upset, and as your boyfriend I would like to help you not be upset,” Junmyeon says determinedly. “You stopped me from being an idiot with my life, and now I’m trying to repay you. Not that I’m saying this because I feel like I have to, but because I know you care about me and I want to care about you.”

Jongdae lifts his head, and looks him in the eyes. His eyelids look heavy, Junmyeon realizes. He must really be sleepy. “You’ve really thought this out,” Jongdae says, then kisses Junmyeon quickly (now if Junmyeon’s heart could stop that).

“Yeah, well,” Junmyeon says, blushing. “I’m just trying to, you know...” he trails off.

Jongdae sighs, and snuggles closer (Junmyeon’s heart needs to stop melting all of the time. It’s really inconvenient when he’s trying to say things). “Real great conversation starter, but yeah, I kind of do.”

“When did it start?”

“I came out to my parents my junior year of undergrad,” Jongdae mumbles into Junmyeon’s collarbones. “They obviously didn’t take it well. They told me I was being ridiculous, and asked if I had a girlfriend.”

“Why would you...” Junmyeon starts. “It’s like total denial.”

“Basically. Since then I’ve been distant with them, and I obviously moved out as soon as I could afford it. But last Sunday, my mother called again, and you heard, right? We got into a shouting match again. It’s like she doesn’t even want to think about her son liking men,” Jongdae says sourly. “She has so many expectations, and keeps talking about how she has to keep up appearances.”

“I hope that she eventually realizes that appearances are worthless. The problem is that social change like that comes with a generational shift. It’s so hard to change people’s minds,” Junmyeon says.

“Exactly. And it’s not like she’s religions or anything. People told her it was wrong, so she thinks it’s wrong. She can’t think for herself,” Jongdae complains, playing with the material of Junmyeon’s shirt. “Thanks for letting me talk about this. I needed it.”

“No problem,” Junmyeon says, and smooths a hand down Jongdae’s back. “What are boyfriends for?”

\--

It’s Friday movie night again at Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s, and Junmyeon is sitting next to Jongdae on the smaller of the two couches in the apartment. They’ve just finished watching Moana, and Baekhyun is still whining about it.

“But like, it was such a beautiful story? I don’t understand how all of you aren’t crying right now,” he says, beating out some sort of rhythm on Jongin’s thigh.

“Because I’m a normal person who has control of their emotions,” Kyungsoo argues back. “Like, yeah, it was beautiful, but I’m not going to be sobbing over it. Nobody died.”

“Did you literally not see the part with the stingray?”

Jongdae taps him to get his attention, and Junmyeon tunes them out. “Did you like it?” Jongdae asks quietly, allowing the other noise in the room to wash over them.

Junmyeon nods. “It was nice; I haven’t watched any cute movies in a while.”

“Me either.”

Luckily, Sehun breaks up the fight. “Alright, will you two quit it? Christ. Can’t we just talk normally or something?”

“What do you mean by normal?” Yixing asks, as he fiercely taps on his phone, probably playing a game. “Do you mean like gossip? Because I don’t have anything.”

At this, Jongdae looks up. “I have something,” he says, grinning.

Kyungsoo’s head immediately whips over. “If you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, Jongdae Kim, don’t you dare,” he says, glaring. Jongdae laughs.

Chanyeol sits up, looking confused. “What are you talking about?”

“You already know,” Baekhyun groans from his spot on the couch. “At this rate, we might as well just tell the whole goddamn world.”

“Tell the whole world what?” Yixing asks, his game paused. He sits up from his spot on the floor. Junmyeon is curious, too, but he decides to keep his mouth shut. This could be fun to watch.

Jongdae’s grin gets wider. “Maybe the fact that Baekhyun, Jongin, Kyungsoo, and Minseok had a little fun together.” Oh, right. That.

“Fuck you,” Kyungsoo moans, and buries his face in a pillow. Baekhyun grins, Jongin blushes, and Minseok just sighs.

“Why are you like this, Jongdae,” he asks. Jongdae just settles back and shrugs. After it happened, Junmyeon had to listen to Jongdae’s complaints. He hadn’t really wanted to know about his friends’ sex lives, but Jongdae had said if he had to know, so did Junmyeon. Which is definitely not how that works.

“Boring, Jongin already told me,” Sehun says faking a yawn. “Anything else? Any professors getting it on with students?”

Junmyeon snorts quietly. Sehun is relentless. “What about something of substance?” he says, waving his hand around. “It doesn’t always have to be gossip.”

“Good point, what’s going on with everyone’s lives? I don’t really ask that much,” Baekhyun muses, poking at a hole in the couch cushion.

“One of the older guys in our lab is finishing his degree in the spring and we’re going to miss him,” Chanyeol says, “But also we’re worried, because he’s so busy.”

“Seriously,” Minseok says. “I’m really not looking forward to it. Luckily we all still have a few years until that mess.”

“And yet, the days fly by faster every month,” Baekhyun says dramatically, hand to his forehead. “It’ll be our final year before we know it.”

“Got that right,” Kyungsoo grumbles. “I’m spending all of my time working, and it seems like the more I do, the faster time goes.”

“I’m starting to get that,” Sehun says, “I swear I just started my degree like a couple weeks ago, and we’re already nearing the end of the semester. Anyway, enough about academics. Anyone have anything else to share?”

Jongdae slowly raises his hand. “I think it would be good to talk about this,” he says, and Junmyeon snaps to attention. “My parents have been really shitty lately, telling me to stop messing around. They want me to date a girl.”

Jongin looks over. “Seriously? They’re denying that you’re gay?”

Jongdae nods, and Junmyeon joins in. “It’s super shitty, what they’re doing. You’re brave, though,” he says, directed at Jongdae, “My parents don’t even know.”

Jongdae’s eyes widen. “Really? You didn’t say anything before.”

“I didn’t want to take the focus off of you,” Junmyeon explains. “It was important that we focus on your problem, since nothing is changing for me.” Jongdae still looks a little surprised, but he relaxes again.

“That sucks, Junmyeon,” Kyungsoo says, bringing his glass of water up to his lips. “I’m sort of in the same boat, though I plan to come out when I finish my degree and get a job. That way, if they do decide they don’t want to associate with me, I’m not dependent on them.”

Junmyeon nods along with Kyungsoo’s words. “I was thinking of doing something like that. My parents have always been really strict.”

Sehun laughs a little. “My parents didn’t have a choice. They accepted it eventually.”

“Same with us,” Chanyeol says, and Baekhyun grins.

“At first, our parents thought we were dating,” Baekhyun says, nudging Chanyeol’s arm with his toe. “They had a talk with us, and it was awkward as hell.”

“I’ll never forget the look on my dad’s face,” Chanyeol says solemnly, a hand over his heart.

“Me neither. It was pretty great,” Baekhyun admits. “Which means, if you guys ever need somewhere to go for the holidays, you can totally stay with either of us.” Chanyeol agrees, and Junmyeon is more than a little touched.

“Thanks,” Jongdae says, and he sounds more confident than Junmyeon has heard all week. “That really means a lot, because I can’t really see myself getting married and then spending holidays at my parent’s house.”

“My social life is so separate from my family life,” Minseok mutters, shifting on the sofa. “I don’t think I could, either.”

“Weird, isn’t it?” Baekhyun halfheartedly replies.

Jongdae sits up. “I’m pretty sure RuPaul says at some point that you can choose your family, which normally isn’t how the saying goes, but I think he’s definitely right.”

Kyungsoo looks up. “Goddamn, you have such a boner for that show, but I can see how that’s true. If your family doesn’t treat you right, then you have the power to forget about them and surround yourself with people who actually love you.”

“Exactly,” Jongdae says. “Fuckin’ poetic.” Junmyeon agrees. He’ll always appreciate what his parents have done for him, and he’ll humor them up to a point. But if they threaten his choices, and his company, well then. He’s got another family, all sitting in this room.

“Imagine having all of you as brothers, though,” Sehun laughs, rolling over. “That would be a mess.”

Baekhyun grins. “You can’t deny it would be fun.”

“See but then we couldn’t date each other,” Chanyeol points out. “It’s like Baekhyun and I. We’re practically brothers, so we’re not dating.”

“...you’ve got a point,” Sehun says, and curls around Chanyeol, who pats his ass happily.

“That aside, I’m glad I have you guys,” Jongdae says. “I’ve been a little upset this week, but you guys pulled me out of the funk.”

“We got your back!” Yixing says, shoving a fist in the air. “Even though I’m only a little gay.”

“Wait, you’re--”

\--

A week later Junmyeon and Jongdae are eating dinner together in Jongdae and Kyungsoo’s apartment. Junmyeon twirls pasta around his fork, and looks up when Jongdae makes a noise.

“I don’t know if I ever really thanked you,” he says, a little abruptly.

“For what?”

“For letting me dump my emotions on you.”

Junmyeon shrugs. “You don’t need to thank me.”

“I think I do, though. I can do the same for you if you ever need it, you know,” Jongdae replies. Junmyeon usually isn’t a crier, but he can feel something welling up inside him.

“Jongdae?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

**Author's Note:**

> o m g t h a n k y o u for reading. There are two parts left after this, and I just have to edit them now so they'll be up within a month.
> 
> ps the end will rot your fucking teeth so get that fluoride treatment while you can. i am a little ashamed.


End file.
